I never knew how precious a friend could be until I no longer had any close by. For so long, I have tried to find someone who I could talk to and share fun times with. But it hasn’t really worked out. One person I began to grow close with has become extremely busy so I rarely have a chance to see or speak to her. And I recently got into a huge disagreement with one of the only other individuals that I was forming a friendship with. What hurt more than the disagreement is the fact that I cannot understand why I am not worthy of anyone else’s friendship. I know I’m not perfect. I have my flaws. But I think everyone is deserving of a friend. I feel invisible. No one desires my presence. No one wants to include me. No one even thinks of me. Am I that awful? Am I that unpleasant? Am I that inconsequential? It makes me sad to ponder these questions. I try to be loving. I try to be helpful. I try to be loyal. But it’s not enough. I seek for a kindred spirit in vain. I search for anyone needing a helping hand. I look for any way to make myself meaningful. But nothing changes. How long will I feel so alone? How long will I continue to face rejection after rejection? Should I keep trying? Should I give up? Are my efforts wasted?
These are the questions that pass through my mind from time to time. I don’t want to think like this. I wish it did not bother me. I wish I were stronger and didn’t need anyone else. But I long for female companionship. I lean on my husband and he is there for me, but there is something so validating about another woman sharing similar experiences. Sincere empathy from a friend feels so sacred and holy to me; a manifestation of the love of Christ. It is the sharing of perfect love and understanding. Women have a true desire to lift up one another and extend the comfort of being seen, and being known.
I feel slighted that it is being withheld from me. Others seem to have found it so deeply in one another, but for some reason it is not meant to be for me. I know I should count my blessings for all the wonderful things that I do have in my life, and my friends far away who try to be there for me. I just wish that I fit in.